Posted on by JJones

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot. –Eleanor Roosevelt

My children are taking that big step from teenager to semi-adult. Or as I told my son, he is now becoming a baby man. But as they move into the realm of responsibility it is so difficult to have to stand back and let them learn. As Eleanor says each time they face fear and move forward they grow. But each time they have to do so, they also can find pain and sometimes failure. I do sometimes wish life was like a video game, where you could reset your game and fight the bad guy just one more time. But while literally we cannot have a do-over we can take the experience with us to the next challenge.

While, I sound so confident and sure of myself on this matter, I will have to admit that the obstacles that life tosses me are often overwhelming and scary even now. I can look back at myself when I was my children’s age and realize how much I thought I knew but also now I know how naive I was. Although, I will say that I don’t regret my choices now, because of how things turned out. Some of my choices did make life more difficult. I suppose as a parent I want things to be easy for my children. But by wishing for such a thing, I would also be robbing them of the feeling of succeeding, where they didn’t believe they could. They also would miss out on making those painful mistakes that often define turning points in our lives.

So part of me facing my greatest fear, is facing my children are growing up, and hoping they have the tools to stare fear in the face and become their adult-selves. Growing up is such a process, I’m still in the process myself, so I imagine the journey will continue for both myself and my children. As a mother I will always be here to guide them, but they must make their own adventures as they move forward and fight their own monsters.

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Off the Wall: Your Superhero

When my husband and I were asked if we’d consider adopting my first cousin’s three year old daughter, my husband’s first reaction was, “Are you crazy?”

I knew enough to keep my mouth shut after that and let him think it over. Two days later we were driving , and he asks, “Is she potty trained?”

Now mind you we had three children 15 months apart, and had three in diapers at once, so potty training was a  traumatic experience .

I answered, “Yes, she’s potty trained.” That was enough for him. He said he’d handle all the paperwork, I just had to drive from Florida to North Carolina and get her. Easy enough, drive 16 hours and be in North Carolina by 7:30 AM to meet the lawyer.

I had only met Jessica a few weeks before at my grandfather’s funeral. She was tiny.  And at first she just hid her face from me. But when I went to my elderly aunt’s home where she was living, I found her watching Blue’s Clues.

My aunt was looking for her shoes, so I asked Jessie, “Where did your shoes go? Did they walk to the creek?”

She looked at me with a serious expression and said, “Shoes can’t walk they don’t have eyes.” It made me laugh and I pretended to be a shoe walking into the wall which made her laugh.  But after that, all day I had a tiny shadow.

When we were going through pictures my grandfather had kept of me, she said, “That’s Jessica.” I had to correct her and tell her it was actually me. This seemed to put her in a ponderous mood. But that day she decided she wanted me as her mommy. Her biological mother had passed away in a car accident six months before, and my aunt explained Jessica had shut everyone out, till that day. My aunt was in her seventy’s and she knew she couldn’t take care of Jessica much longer, and my cousin was unable to care for himself, let alone a tiny little girl.

So when I got the call asking if we’d take her, my answer was, “Yes!”

Jessica is now a preteen and she asks a lot of questions about her biological parents. I answer what I can, but some of the answers we both have difficulty with. Recently we took Jessica to see the Superman movie, Man of Steel.  She loved it. Now as you can tell from my blog I am a major comic book, and superhero geek. But I don’t think Jessica has the same fandom, rather I think she related to Clark.  I had always told her, that I believed she was with us for a reason, that she had so many wonderful gifts she could offer the world.

I remember looking over at her when the 13 year old Clark asks his adoptive father if he could still pretend he was his father. She had that same ponderous look on her face she had the first day, drawing it all in, processing. Later in the car we talked about how what made Superman so great isn’t his biological parents (and superpowers) , but how much his Earth parents loved him. The Kents taught Superman to have a heart and an understanding of what was right.

You see when you adopt a child, they need your patience and your love. I have always told her we were gifted because we got to pick each other out. You love your child, support your child, and understand they have questions, and they do carry some confusion. In her case she carries anger with her biological father, for not giving up drugs and being her dad. But when it comes down to it, like Superman she makes the choices to who she is ultimately. And adopted or not, she is my daughter. My Supergirl. It is just a learning process for both of us.

If you are considering adoption know that as you watch your child blossom into the superhero they may become, you play a big part in the choices they will make. Give them your heart and they can fly.

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Off the Wall: A Crack in Everything

“There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in. ” -Leonard Cohen

I was a preacher’s kid. Preacher’s kids are the worst, I’ve often been told. Both my little brother and I agree with this, but we know the reasons why. In a way you are a small town super star. You begin life on display, tossed into a role of perfection. It gets mighty confusing right away because your father represents God, to you and a whole congregation of hungry souls.

My brother and I use to crawl under the pews after everyone had left; it was a game to see who could get to the front first. We’d scoot like inch worms, scuffing up our Sunday best in the process. You’d have to visit a Southern Baptist Church to know, but in the front of the church is a huge bath tub of sorts, usually hid behind some curtains. This is where people get cleansed of their sins. This use to be done in the river, but weather and necessity made it useful to have an indoor river.

Now my brother had just turned 3 years old and was about to visit his first baptism, we were both sitting on either side of my mom. If you moved she’d pinch the fire out of you, so we were very well behaved. But something happened to my brother when the baptismal curtains were opened. There was our father dressed in a white robe, a dove painted above his head. A little girl not much older than I was stood in front of him awaiting her baptism. My brother was in total awe, he wiggled away from my mom’s pinching fingers and went under the pews, but this time with people there. They scoffed and hollered, but this didn’t stop him , he just wiggled and wormed till he was in the front of the sanctuary. Then he pointed to my dad, and shouted, “My daddy is God!”

While this is funny it is how many children feel about their parents. Parents can do no wrong, it is just as that child gets older they begin to see imperfections in their parents. Parents just like preachers are human, they aren’t always going to be perfect, in fact they will make mistakes. But we as children can learn from their mistakes and hopefully be better parents and people. And parents should be willing to admit when they aren’t perfect, allow their child to see making a mistake isn’t always failure. In fact we learn most from making mistakes.  So instead of being disappointed that your parents aren’t God, maybe be glad they are human and you can learn from them. They may have even had similar problems growing up.

This isn’t to say strive to be imperfect, but rather that we be strive to be good to each other. It also doesn’t mean we make excuses for our actions, but it does mean that we take responsibility for our actions and do better. There is a balance that can be found through forgiveness and true repentance, both can bring about positive changes in ourselves and others.

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Off the Wall: Your mother’s eyes

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In Harry Potter they speak about how Harry looks like his father but has his mother’s eyes. I remember when my children were born, just about every relative or friend commented on each feature. “She has your eyes, or He has his grandfather’s nose.” I kept wanting to say no, those are her eyes and that is his nose. I know of course that children do resemble their relatives, but when you are constantly tell them they are just like someone else, how can they become who they are? 

Putting pressure on the child to be like a beloved relative/friend/celebrity, or telling them they act like a villain of the family, manipulates their self image.

For example my grandfather was a hero to our whole family. He was beloved and treasured in the community, as well as just a wonderful person to be around. So it goes to figure that out of respect someone in the family would name their child after him. So his first grandson was named Ansel, then he named his son Ansel. Then the second grandson named his son Ansel as well. So currently I have a brother and two nephews with the same name. All of them hoping to live up to the original Ansel. It really hurt my first nephew when his cousin was given his name. But since then we have sorta made a joke out of it, by calling my grandfather, Ansel Classic, and the last Ansel,  Ansel 2.0. (Although how is 2.0 going to feel when he gets older, I hope he goes by Andy!) And I have begged my children to discontinue the name in the future. We have way to many Ansels. Sharing a name is often a tradition and it can in-steel pride but there are some consequences that comes with it as well. 

Each individual is different, they have some similarities, but I think we should teach our children to treasure who they are, not force them into a mold. I personally believe that children should strive to not be a copy of another person, but rather learn their own strengths and weaknesses. But it can be argued that by giving the child someone to look up to you set certain standards and give the child pride.

From my own experience I say a child should be praised for their own beauty inside and out, and given a name as a blessing that is truly theirs. Having guidelines from people you look up to is not bad, but heroes should be the ones that you relate to. We shouldn’t self impose who we want our children to be, but rather love who they are. 

Harry Potter proved to be his own person, just with pretty green eyes.