Posted on by JJones

Off the Wall: Gandalf Wisdom

Gandalf
Gandalf

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

No matter what time or place we find ourselves in there are always struggles. These obstacles often seem impossible, but as Gandalf says we only have one choice and that is to “decide.” So simply put as we live our lives we decide how we move forward or backwards or just stay the same. I once listened to a woman cry as she told me she had dug herself into a hole. She said, “There is nothing I can do.”

But is there really a hole so deep you can’t climb out? I do believe in most cases, no, there is usually a way. Because it all comes down to three important Gandalf lessons:

  • We make our own choices
  • We may need someone’s help to recover
  • The only aspect of life we truly control is the choices we make.

Of course some of the choices we must make are very difficult. They often involve facing the mistakes we have made, and finding the ability to forgive ourselves and others. I believe we become stuck in our own darkness, because we are too afraid to face our own choices. To take responsibility for our own actions, we cannot blame everyone else for our choices. In order to dig ourselves out of a hole we have to face ourselves, sometimes we may not like what we see. But the only person you can change is yourself.

The other problem is pride we often don’t want to ask for help. To admit to ourselves that we need others can open up past wounds. I’m sure everyone has had a time that someone let them down. But part of being strong and digging out of a hole may involve taking a risk. You need your own fellowship of friends, coworkers, parents, children, and maybe even grumpy Gimli.

Another monster that holds us back is our belief we have control of life. Be aware the only thing we truly control is ourselves and our choices. While it is scary to admit we aren’t in control, it is also liberating.  There will come a time when we must cross to the White Shores , but as Gandalf say we are only responsible for what we do with the time we have.

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Off the Wall: Your Superhero

When my husband and I were asked if we’d consider adopting my first cousin’s three year old daughter, my husband’s first reaction was, “Are you crazy?”

I knew enough to keep my mouth shut after that and let him think it over. Two days later we were driving , and he asks, “Is she potty trained?”

Now mind you we had three children 15 months apart, and had three in diapers at once, so potty training was a  traumatic experience .

I answered, “Yes, she’s potty trained.” That was enough for him. He said he’d handle all the paperwork, I just had to drive from Florida to North Carolina and get her. Easy enough, drive 16 hours and be in North Carolina by 7:30 AM to meet the lawyer.

I had only met Jessica a few weeks before at my grandfather’s funeral. She was tiny.  And at first she just hid her face from me. But when I went to my elderly aunt’s home where she was living, I found her watching Blue’s Clues.

My aunt was looking for her shoes, so I asked Jessie, “Where did your shoes go? Did they walk to the creek?”

She looked at me with a serious expression and said, “Shoes can’t walk they don’t have eyes.” It made me laugh and I pretended to be a shoe walking into the wall which made her laugh.  But after that, all day I had a tiny shadow.

When we were going through pictures my grandfather had kept of me, she said, “That’s Jessica.” I had to correct her and tell her it was actually me. This seemed to put her in a ponderous mood. But that day she decided she wanted me as her mommy. Her biological mother had passed away in a car accident six months before, and my aunt explained Jessica had shut everyone out, till that day. My aunt was in her seventy’s and she knew she couldn’t take care of Jessica much longer, and my cousin was unable to care for himself, let alone a tiny little girl.

So when I got the call asking if we’d take her, my answer was, “Yes!”

Jessica is now a preteen and she asks a lot of questions about her biological parents. I answer what I can, but some of the answers we both have difficulty with. Recently we took Jessica to see the Superman movie, Man of Steel.  She loved it. Now as you can tell from my blog I am a major comic book, and superhero geek. But I don’t think Jessica has the same fandom, rather I think she related to Clark.  I had always told her, that I believed she was with us for a reason, that she had so many wonderful gifts she could offer the world.

I remember looking over at her when the 13 year old Clark asks his adoptive father if he could still pretend he was his father. She had that same ponderous look on her face she had the first day, drawing it all in, processing. Later in the car we talked about how what made Superman so great isn’t his biological parents (and superpowers) , but how much his Earth parents loved him. The Kents taught Superman to have a heart and an understanding of what was right.

You see when you adopt a child, they need your patience and your love. I have always told her we were gifted because we got to pick each other out. You love your child, support your child, and understand they have questions, and they do carry some confusion. In her case she carries anger with her biological father, for not giving up drugs and being her dad. But when it comes down to it, like Superman she makes the choices to who she is ultimately. And adopted or not, she is my daughter. My Supergirl. It is just a learning process for both of us.

If you are considering adoption know that as you watch your child blossom into the superhero they may become, you play a big part in the choices they will make. Give them your heart and they can fly.

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Off the Wall: Jamaican food and Good Advice

“… really dangerous people believe they are doing whatever they are doing solely and only because it is without question the right thing to do. And that is what makes them dangerous.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

When I lived in Florida, I met this old man named Herman. His name isn’t overly important, although, I’ve always liked the name. But what made Herman stand out most was his advice.

He always spoke with a wise Jamaican accent in even tones and would gently jester his hands to better elaborate.  Over the six years I knew him he gave me lots of advice. He’d speak on theological questions, political issues, and even give small lectures on the virtues of good Jamaican food.

But of all the advice he gave me one specific statement stays with me.

I was in a bad mood, grumbling about a co-worker. Herman stopped me and raised his left hand, spreading out his fingers, and pointing his thumb back towards himself.

He said still pointing his thumb back towards himself,  “Whenever you wish to find fault with another, stop and check your thumb, could it be that you too have much to learn? Never think that your way is the only way something should be done, nor that you know enough to judge the righteousness of others. To think you are always in the right narrows your mind and pinches your soul. “

At first this made me a little angry. I thought how dare he! But as I rolled this over in my mind I started to see this was the best advice he’d ever given me. Besides his advice to not to salt Ackee.

It is important to always questions ourselves, and to realize we are not infallible. Only through an understanding of our own imperfections, and annoying habits, can we begin to work together for a better world.

Questioning  allows us to grow. The only person you can ultimately change is yourself.