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Off the Wall: With a Friend

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“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”

-Helen Keller

My best friend is my husband of 22 years. We get a lot of congratulations for that, but honestly it isn’t that long of a time. It is long enough for me to say the journey has been all the better because he was there.

Now this isn’t going to be some gooey, lo-vie, do-vie post, but rather a post on life’s journey. Our journey has been one colored with unexpected turns and dead ends, just like most people’s lives. I can say we never planned to be where we are when we first began, so young. Of course in your early 20’s you often think you have it all figured out. We had to figure it out together.

Now this figuring things out, meant sometimes we wanted to toss each other out the window. (figuratively of course) But thank goodness we held on. I do believe it is better to have a friend in those dark confusing moments, rather then to have one only in the good times. You grow closer, and you find deeper bonds.

I have friends who talk about how they aren’t in love with their husbands anymore, but I wonder if love just changes. We expect love to be one way, when it can be far more than we imagined. But it does take effort, or suddenly that closeness can be replaced with walls.

You have to stop each day and not take the other person for granted, this can be the simplest things such as telling them you love them before bed, bringing them coffee in the morning, or a little note that makes them laugh. But it is funny how even the simplest things can slip our minds. I’m the wife that forgets anniversaries, but my husband can tell you the shirt I wore the first day he met me.

Love can blossom into a bond that can only make you stronger. Isn’t it nicer to always have someone there, to help you up when you fall.

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Off the Wall: Yoda knows best

Yoda

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” – Yoda

Yes, I am a big star wars fan, not the prequels typically, but I did like what Yoda told young Anakin Skywalker. It’s one of those thoughts that you roll over in your mind for a while. The fact is being paralyzed by fear can lead to bitterness.

I’m not saying never be fearful, I mean seriously you shouldn’t jump in front of a train, but rather be willing to overcome your own insecurities.  There are two sorts of fear we should overcome.

1. The fear of unknown outcomes: In everything you do, there is a factor of the unknown, some more risky unknowns than others. This shouldn’t be the reason you stop and don’t move forward. (Unless you are a gambler that is about to bet away your house, in this case. STOP) First, look at what your goals are. For example you may be putting off going back to college, making excuses such as I am to old, or what if I can’t find a job once I am done? If your fears are just keeping you from reaching positive goals you should know you will regret not taking the risk. Without at least trying, the fear of the unknown that stops you, will also be the unknown that haunts you.

2. The fear of loss: This is the fear that plagued poor Anakin and turned him into Darth Vader. The problem with fearing loss is in life people die, people move away, jobs change, children grow up, life is filled with losses and gains. If you live your life dreading changes how can you enjoy the present? Part of truly living is learning to embrace the present, while still being able to move forward. If we allow fear to hold us back from taking risks such as building new relationships, loving our children, or even taking a new job, we only cause happiness to always elude us. We are not truly in control of many aspects of life. But we are in control of how we face fearlessly both the storms of life, and the peaceful calms.

As always Yoda is awesome even if the little green guy had to be in the prequels.

May the Force be with you.

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Off the Wall: Commitment to Dreams

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
-C. S. Lewis

My father is a dreamer. I believe he just started out that way always dreaming. My grandmother was very protective of him and kept him sheltered, but she couldn’t tame his need to question the norm and dream big. Growing up with a dad like mine I caught the dreaming bug early. But it took along time for me to grasp what it meant to truly be committed to a dream. You see that is a big part of making dreams come true, you have to be committed.

When I was in my mid twenties my husband and I were having some trouble, and I found I was extremely unhappy most of the time. I asked my father what is the most important thing in the world? I wanted him to say happiness or adventure, instead he said commitment. You see he already understood that without commitment there can be no passion, without passion, dreams fade. Needless to say he was telling me that happiness comes with commitment. It took me a long time to grasp this, for a while I thought well that’s a cranky answer. But sometimes we have to find our passion to our commitments.

Earlier today I was talking with a man about this very word. He was saying that we are committed to so many things in life, ball teams, our favorite music band, our cars, and the list went on. I thought well yes this is true to a point, but I don’t like my ball teams much when they loose, and my favorite bands keep changing, as for cars if they don’t work I don’t like them. But this is because commitment is far more then just liking something. It’s like jumping out of a plane, you are committed to this action and have faith that your parachute brings you down safely.  But you have to make the effort in order to fly, or fall gracefully in this analogy.

So I personally believe that dreams can be the fire that pushes us forward. But without commitment the lack of passion will let them just be flitting nice thoughts. To make a dream come true you have to really put yourself into it. And there is never a time you are to old to dream, or continue dreams, or to even find something new. Sometimes the longer it takes us to reach a goal the sweeter it tastes in the end.

Now if I can just remind myself of this each day.

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Off the Wall: A Crack in Everything

“There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in. ” -Leonard Cohen

I was a preacher’s kid. Preacher’s kids are the worst, I’ve often been told. Both my little brother and I agree with this, but we know the reasons why. In a way you are a small town super star. You begin life on display, tossed into a role of perfection. It gets mighty confusing right away because your father represents God, to you and a whole congregation of hungry souls.

My brother and I use to crawl under the pews after everyone had left; it was a game to see who could get to the front first. We’d scoot like inch worms, scuffing up our Sunday best in the process. You’d have to visit a Southern Baptist Church to know, but in the front of the church is a huge bath tub of sorts, usually hid behind some curtains. This is where people get cleansed of their sins. This use to be done in the river, but weather and necessity made it useful to have an indoor river.

Now my brother had just turned 3 years old and was about to visit his first baptism, we were both sitting on either side of my mom. If you moved she’d pinch the fire out of you, so we were very well behaved. But something happened to my brother when the baptismal curtains were opened. There was our father dressed in a white robe, a dove painted above his head. A little girl not much older than I was stood in front of him awaiting her baptism. My brother was in total awe, he wiggled away from my mom’s pinching fingers and went under the pews, but this time with people there. They scoffed and hollered, but this didn’t stop him , he just wiggled and wormed till he was in the front of the sanctuary. Then he pointed to my dad, and shouted, “My daddy is God!”

While this is funny it is how many children feel about their parents. Parents can do no wrong, it is just as that child gets older they begin to see imperfections in their parents. Parents just like preachers are human, they aren’t always going to be perfect, in fact they will make mistakes. But we as children can learn from their mistakes and hopefully be better parents and people. And parents should be willing to admit when they aren’t perfect, allow their child to see making a mistake isn’t always failure. In fact we learn most from making mistakes.  So instead of being disappointed that your parents aren’t God, maybe be glad they are human and you can learn from them. They may have even had similar problems growing up.

This isn’t to say strive to be imperfect, but rather that we be strive to be good to each other. It also doesn’t mean we make excuses for our actions, but it does mean that we take responsibility for our actions and do better. There is a balance that can be found through forgiveness and true repentance, both can bring about positive changes in ourselves and others.

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Off the Wall: Your mother’s eyes

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In Harry Potter they speak about how Harry looks like his father but has his mother’s eyes. I remember when my children were born, just about every relative or friend commented on each feature. “She has your eyes, or He has his grandfather’s nose.” I kept wanting to say no, those are her eyes and that is his nose. I know of course that children do resemble their relatives, but when you are constantly tell them they are just like someone else, how can they become who they are? 

Putting pressure on the child to be like a beloved relative/friend/celebrity, or telling them they act like a villain of the family, manipulates their self image.

For example my grandfather was a hero to our whole family. He was beloved and treasured in the community, as well as just a wonderful person to be around. So it goes to figure that out of respect someone in the family would name their child after him. So his first grandson was named Ansel, then he named his son Ansel. Then the second grandson named his son Ansel as well. So currently I have a brother and two nephews with the same name. All of them hoping to live up to the original Ansel. It really hurt my first nephew when his cousin was given his name. But since then we have sorta made a joke out of it, by calling my grandfather, Ansel Classic, and the last Ansel,  Ansel 2.0. (Although how is 2.0 going to feel when he gets older, I hope he goes by Andy!) And I have begged my children to discontinue the name in the future. We have way to many Ansels. Sharing a name is often a tradition and it can in-steel pride but there are some consequences that comes with it as well. 

Each individual is different, they have some similarities, but I think we should teach our children to treasure who they are, not force them into a mold. I personally believe that children should strive to not be a copy of another person, but rather learn their own strengths and weaknesses. But it can be argued that by giving the child someone to look up to you set certain standards and give the child pride.

From my own experience I say a child should be praised for their own beauty inside and out, and given a name as a blessing that is truly theirs. Having guidelines from people you look up to is not bad, but heroes should be the ones that you relate to. We shouldn’t self impose who we want our children to be, but rather love who they are. 

Harry Potter proved to be his own person, just with pretty green eyes.  

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Off the Wall: Jamaican food and Good Advice

“… really dangerous people believe they are doing whatever they are doing solely and only because it is without question the right thing to do. And that is what makes them dangerous.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

When I lived in Florida, I met this old man named Herman. His name isn’t overly important, although, I’ve always liked the name. But what made Herman stand out most was his advice.

He always spoke with a wise Jamaican accent in even tones and would gently jester his hands to better elaborate.  Over the six years I knew him he gave me lots of advice. He’d speak on theological questions, political issues, and even give small lectures on the virtues of good Jamaican food.

But of all the advice he gave me one specific statement stays with me.

I was in a bad mood, grumbling about a co-worker. Herman stopped me and raised his left hand, spreading out his fingers, and pointing his thumb back towards himself.

He said still pointing his thumb back towards himself,  “Whenever you wish to find fault with another, stop and check your thumb, could it be that you too have much to learn? Never think that your way is the only way something should be done, nor that you know enough to judge the righteousness of others. To think you are always in the right narrows your mind and pinches your soul. “

At first this made me a little angry. I thought how dare he! But as I rolled this over in my mind I started to see this was the best advice he’d ever given me. Besides his advice to not to salt Ackee.

It is important to always questions ourselves, and to realize we are not infallible. Only through an understanding of our own imperfections, and annoying habits, can we begin to work together for a better world.

Questioning  allows us to grow. The only person you can ultimately change is yourself.

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Off the Wall: Lonely or Comfortable in my Skin

“Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.”
– Thomas Wolfe

In a world filled with lonely people, the question arises why can we not connect? My youngest daughter is going through that painful, God awful period of life call ‘Middle School’. I rarely have met one adult that looks back fondly on those awkward years, but trying to explain this to a fourteen year old is near impossible. In her mind and heart she is the only person that has ever felt invisible.

I ask her why do you imagine that most of the musicians you admire have a song on loneliness? Why do you think that countless poems, novels, and paintings, all try to unravel this agonizing feeling? The answer is we all are lonely in our skins at one time or another. But if we can learn to be comfortable in our skin, we can find solid ground to overcome loneliness and reach out to others. It is in rare connections that we as individuals become united in understanding.

When I was younger I had a theory we are all in our own little bubbles.  I pictured individuals floating around in these fragile transparent globes. Within the bubbles we had our own thoughts, and dreams. In watching bubbles float through the air,  I saw  just how quickly one could pop. But sometimes that rare bubble would touch another bubble and they would become one, floating upwards in the sky.

I suppose that in some ways that is how it works. We are born within our own world, moving through life. Each person hoping to connect to someone.

Taking the chance of sharing your world with others, can be risky. But sometimes you find that rare person that you can feel connected to, the person you can trust with your own vulnerabilities. I think that is worth all the risk in the world.

The first step in overcoming loneliness, is figuring out who you are, and becoming comfortable in your own skin. This part has to be the most difficult. We all struggle with insecurities, that seem to rise up, at just the wrong moment. But if we can accept our own flaws, and embrace our own strengths, we will find it easier to understand others. This is something we work on throughout our lives, not just in the halls of Horrorville Middle School.

How can someone understand you, if you cannot understand yourself? Take sometime to get to know yourself, and love who you are. Find solitude and peace, not pain and rejection.

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Off The Wall: Opportunity in Every Difficulty

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ”  -Winston Churchill

I have to fight myself to be optimistic. Life in general creates an attitude of cynicism. Just watching the news we are bombarded with bad news, hardships, doomsday declarations, and reasons  to run for the hills. Sometimes it takes a lot of strength to look at what is good in our lives.

I believe as humans we are geared to remember the negative, for basic survival. We often forget the simple joys of life itself.

I was once asked by a teenage girl, “Why do you want to live?” She had attempted suicide recently, and was sent to a youth program I was working at. I had to actually stop and think. I’d never really considered why I kept going, or why I fought to continue on. Like most people I had good and bad days, tragedy and successes in my life.

The answer came to me that life in general isn’t about being happy, or even being sad. Life isn’t about existing, but rather to live is to value those magical moments you actually know you are alive. The first moment that came to my mind that was magical and worth living for was the day my first child was born.

I remembered the sun coming through the window and his tiny cries. I remember everything being so blurry cause my eyes were filled with happy tears. But most of all I remember feeling I was part of a miracle.

So, I still fight to be an optimist and to view difficulties as possibilities. Looking for the beauty in living is not naive nor is it ignorant. But rather to treasure beauty and life takes strength and grace, and a bit of inner fire to continue.

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Off The Wall: Delicious Ambiguity

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”  – Gilda Radner

I have told my daughters that the weak want to control everything, because the fact that we aren’t in control is terrifying, but the strong can face the fear of not knowing, and become exhilarated with living.

This is the one true aspect of life I want my children prepared for.  No matter how much you plan, how much you think you are in control, life has a way of turning everything upside down. The fun part is looking around once the storm has passed and seeing the world is greener, and full of more sparkle than you could have ever dreamed of.

My life is nothing like I planned it to be, but it is far better. When you embrace the horrifying nature of the unknown you find miracles. You will find forgiveness, happiness and peace.

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“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
When life becomes difficult the first impulse is to run, and the second impulse is to destroy. Instead of facing your own demons and those of the others you love. True friendship isn’t about everything always being perfect, it’s about people willing to face the dark together. Even sometimes face the darkness of each other and overcome.I’ve always enjoyed Tolkien’s novels mainly because they are about different sorts of people being able to overcome the dark. The key in most of his stories is that they need each other to do so. Each individual must have faith in the others to continue. The sorts of sacrifices made in the name of friendship are both inspiring and sometimes unbelievable.
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